Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
