oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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