Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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