I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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