u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
