I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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