and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
