i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize