forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
