$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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