i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
