Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
