just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
