My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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