is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
