i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
