Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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