I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
