she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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