I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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