Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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