If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
