if i can run in heels then i can drive
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
