I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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