so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
