Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
