The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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