just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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