My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
