I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
