And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
