dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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