mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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