that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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