Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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