Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...