I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
