i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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