He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize