Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
