I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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