i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
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Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.