he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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