John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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