I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My balls are so social today.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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