I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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