I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
