So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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