I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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