ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
