I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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