All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
