Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
