going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
