I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
