Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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