I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
