Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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