it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
