You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
